Something to Offend Everyone
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom.
How do you Know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice dick."
How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.
Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday
Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days. " She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say shit? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a suburban fairy tale and a ghetto fairy tale? A suburban fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A ghetto fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't
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